can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
