whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just had sex on a roof
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
