You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
