Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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