They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
