Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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