and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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