im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
