Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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