Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
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While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
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Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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