Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
