i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
True strength comes from lack of pants
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
