Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
