Betty ford says i'm here all night
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
