thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
