i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
