Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
