So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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