I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
