my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
