birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
