He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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