I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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