right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
