Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Congratulations! We have a period
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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