took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
