He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
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His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
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The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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