Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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