I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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