Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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