hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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