life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
