I just pynch a tree in the face
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
