You surviving the open bar?
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after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
