Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
