i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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