you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
