Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Hippo gnu deer
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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