for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
