Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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