can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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