apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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