Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
