5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
