I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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