sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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