headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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