can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Is this like a preordered booty call?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
