Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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