Are we in a gay sports bar?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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