Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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