if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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