I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
