the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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