I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
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